This lonely feeling is me, still holding a portion of my relationship with my mother as her not being available for me. She was so lost in her own life, her addiction, and her survival that I often found myself alone and regularly removed from her care.
Last weekend I traveled to Ottawa, Canada, to complete my final in-person training with my Family Constellation mentor, Johanna Lynn of The Family Imprint Institute. It was fabulous, and I finally got to enjoy some actual Fall weather.
I came home emotionally full but also exhausted. I spent Monday resting and rejuvenating myself, as I understand the importance of self-care. A training of this magnitude wouldn’t be complete without an opportunity to integrate it into my actual life. Learning to facilitate Family Constellations isn’t just a theory but a constant integration of my own healing as a way to deeply understand how to work with clients.
My work’s focus is Mother Wound healing, so of course, my own personal healing is mostly from that lens. My focus over the last year has been healing my own Mother Wound; Both as a daughter and as the mother of a daughter with a Mother Wound. I’m proud of the work I have done. I wanted to share a personal story about what this work looks like in real life and how it can profoundly affect the lens in which you view the world around you.
I wrote this last Monday…
This morning I found myself hurt, feeling alone, and like a little girl who had been told by her mom to go away because she was busy.
But in reality, I’m a 45-year-old married woman who was lying in bed with her wife, reflecting on a trip I had just taken, when my wife was distracted by something that shifted her attention.
A year ago, I would have reacted differently. I would have gotten up, huffed and puffed and decided for the rest of the day that my wife isn’t interested in anything I’m doing. I would have settled into rejection and being the victim of her distraction. That was my familiar place.
Instead, I stopped and asked myself where I am feeling this in my body.
My attention was drawn to the pit of my stomach. It felt empty, and a bit depleted. From where was this coming? What other time in my life had I felt like this, specifically as a little girl, because that is the emotional place I returned to?
It came to me. This lonely feeling is me, still holding a portion of my relationship with my mother as her not being available for me. She was so lost in her own life, her addiction, and her survival that I often found myself alone and regularly removed from her care.
To put it mildly, she lived a life distracted away from her kids.
I realized how often I do this. Choose partners who are preoccupied, who aren’t focused on our life together in healthy ways, and who I ultimately leave. This pattern is me reliving what I did not receive as a little girl.
Now, my marriage isn’t anywhere close to following this pattern. My wife is very involved and connected. But we do both have busy lives, and sometimes time can slip away from us.
The being distracted away from me was what felt familiar. That is what sat in my body memory, and has unconsciously influenced my relationships for most of my life. I have learned to turn inward because the resolve for this was my mine alone. It was between my body memory, the way I held my mom in it, and my new understanding of my family system.
So, I lay there, cried and grieved for the relationship that never will physically be available for my mom and I. I leaned into the image I had built of her. I believe she would have been there had she had more of what she needed. I don’t hold the anger anymore. That’s too heavy a bag to carry.
I placed my arm around myself and pulled my inner little girl closer. I told her how much she mattered, how loved and seen she was.
Then I committed to her that I would speak my needs directly. If I wanted some time or a hug from my wife, then that’s what I would say. I would be clear about my needs as an adult and not filter them through the wounded little girl in me, because I’m healing that little girl.
And I did. I asked my wife to hold me for a few minutes before she started her day. It led to a deeply healing conversation that we needed to have.
I spent the day relaxing, reflecting on the weekend, not in an emotional spin, replaying old traumas.
And so that is what Ending the Cycle of Your Mother Wound looks like; Being able to connect the dots from your life circumstances to the unconscious narratives that run so much of your life. Then, using that understanding to address the root cause, allowing you to move forward in a resolution.
This is an example of the work we will do in my new group healing experience. Ending The Cycle of Your mother Wound. to learn more about how this work can deeply impact your life, book a free consultation with me below.