We learn to love from our mothers, and our attachment style and the way we were parented. That comes from the ways our parents were parented and their attachment style.
Learning how to love is generational.
Were you loved and affirmed? Shamed and shunned? Did you learn about our own emotional space, or were you responsible for a parent’s emotions? Did you learn how to make choices and speak our truth?
Those and so many more lessons carry over into every relationship you have.
If those lessons weren’t affirming, then you may show up in relationships with those wounds until you heal them.
It’s not that you have to love yourselves first. It’s that you need to heal our wounds. And that is 100% your responsibility.
Others can model it for you in themselves, even while in a relationship with them, but they can’t give it to you.
Of course, you can be in relationships while you heal. That too is part of the process. But the act of deep self-love is only your own to create and feel. And any attempt to get that met from an external source, won’t heal you.
In healing, you learn what love for self is. You learn how to soothe yourself, meet your own needs so that you don’t burden your partner with giving you what we need to give yourself.
And that becomes the emotional and relational baseline from which you show up.
That self-love informs the relationship.
I wrote about this in this blog about moms being our first love.
If this resonates with you, let’s talk about it. Book a free consultation with me below.